8 Meaningful Ways INTJ deal with a Break Up | The INTJ broken heart

truths of a INTJ broken heart

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INTJs ending relationships
Intj broken heart
INTJ broken heart
INTJ Heart broken
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dealing with a break up the INTJ way

How INTJs deal with a breakup? Heartbreak can be a long lonely road for an INTJ. We aren’t so great at expressing ourselves emotionally and we try to apply problem-solving skills to all areas of our life. The crushing feeling of heartbreak can throw us into grip stress. Grip stress invites our sickly ESFP shadow function out to play. This pesky shadow may emerge when things have become too much to bear, like from an INTJ broken heart.

A normal healthy INTJ is typically cool as cucumbers with everyday stresses, and even crises the INTJs calm collectedness may really shine. All personality types have their strengths to contribute to society.

This is ours, we are (typically) calm, collected, not easily rattled, and can make tough decisions with our analytic objectivity. Our strong problem-solving muscle we try to flex in almost all of life’s situations, this is both a strength and a weakness.

Being so logical can frustrate others with our outwardly cold appearance because not everything in life can be treated like a puzzle to be solved. Our default analytical approach doesn’t acknowledge that sometimes emotions must just run their messy course and be allowed to exit our system. Emotional overload, particularly our own is not our strength.

That doesn’t necessarily mean we shouldn’t do things to help them along, but not everything can be solved immediately. This is something we may struggle with.

You have probably heard, women don’t like it when men try to fix their problems, they just want to be heard. I relate more to a man here. If there’s a problem I want to fix it, both my own and others. We are fixers, problems solvers, and express love by trying to improve the lives of others.

So why are emotions so hard for us?

Because we want to tackle them as a math problem. We try to ignore the actual pressure we feel in our hearts and dissect the emotion like a science experiment. But sometimes we would fare better at recognizing when steam needs to be let out of the kettle, without the added pressure of finding a solution.

As an INTJ you may have that strong desire to charge like a bull at a problem, but emotions require patience. As we keep hearing emotions are not our forte. So, what does a broken heart INTJ look like? Here’s my experience with that pesky shadow during heartbreak. Tell me if you relate!

How INTJ deal with break up

Steps the INTJ broken heart goes through when losing on love

1. INTJ Crying?

Overwhelming emotions begin to swell up inside until they no longer can be contained. Violent sobbing may burst out of you, you try to do this in private of course.  When these tears begin to fall, it may feel like an outer body experience and you may feel slightly repulsed by your lack of losing your cool.  If anyone else witnessed this outburst you will likely be bothered by that for some time.

2. Stun

However, sometimes the shock can be so dramatic that you feel like you should cry but you don’t know how. Instead, you are left stunned and empty. Personally, I have experienced both. My lack of tears then created guilt, as I pondered if perhaps I did not care enough. We INTJs aren’t great at managing intense emotions. We must do our best and try not to be so hard on ourselves.

3. The INTJ Recluse

After the initial shock, we will recluse so hard that people begin to wonder if we are still alive. We go into hiding. I know my family was concerned by my absence. They came over to check on me and feared I was too lonely. I appreciated their effort, b I just wanted to be inside of my head.

We take this time to deeply explore and probe our inner world, trying to shut out all distraction. We want all interruptions to stop because we are trying to use our best skill logic to process this intense experience. This is a frustrating time because our system is overwhelmed, and our logic and thoughts may feel scattered.

We crave solitude to concentrate on a solution, and to organize our thoughts. Be warned, it may look like a scene from a Beautiful Mind, with notes scattered all about the room.

4. INTJ Research

Then the research phase begins. We likely will try to find experts on such matters, in the forms of self-help books, online research, etc. Anything that we can do within the privacy of our own homes.

This is where the dark ESFP can really shine. We may stay up all hours, becoming overly indulgent in research that is all over the spectrum to both understand what happened, and how to improve ourselves.

5. INTJ Indulgence

We may realize we’ve spent too much time on this mess and it’s feeling like a futile attempt. Love and loss just happens, and we still hurt. You tell yourself, suck it up and be stronger. Get back to what you are good at.

And so that’s what we do, immerse ourselves into a dizzying number of projects. This is still the indulgent ESFP, an unhealthy shadow function. We try to ignore our emotions, not knowing what to do with them, we bury ourselves in our work.

Our distracting projects are often an attempt to better something in our life or someone else’s. This is our nature, as we try to get back to normal. We find pleasure in growth and improvement.

We put all our effort into this skill set. However, the problem is we overdo it and are still ignoring our emotions. This momentum will likely crash and burn. We take on too much and lose our direction.

6. INTJ broken down

We took on so dang much that we lost our direction, which inevitably leads to burnout. This burn out leads to procrastinating about most everything.

We already have a disdain for the small mundane tasks of life, like dishes. Repetitive tasks that suck up our valuable time for our masterful plotting (mawahaa).

But we also start to procrastinate on everything, even the big projects we were once passionate about. We are lost and now we just added guilt to our emotional turmoil. We feel guilty for abandoning all the wonderful plans we just made.

This is still the ESFP. We need a break from our mental torture. Our logic isn’t getting us out of the dark hole we found ourselves in. This is where we realize and begin to crave social distraction. We need human interaction to quiet down the endless internal chatter.

Your family and friends will tease you about finally crawling out of your hole. You begin going out and pushing yourself out of your social comfort zone. You may even discover a whole new more bubbly side of yourself. But be cautious, because this side can be wild and reckless if not kept in check.

In grip stress, our dark ESFP passenger may encourage us to overindulge in behaviors that we wouldn’t normally approve of for ourselves.

This time is good for us, as long as we don’t spin too far out of control. We barricaded ourselves for too long in deep thought. We are lonely and need a break. It’s time to chill out, be grateful for the small things, smell the roses, and quit thinking so damn much (not easy to do).

7. The return

We are still wounded, but the intensity of our emotions has mellowed. There may be guilt from the procrastination of neglecting our normal life. We look around and realize we need to get our butts back in gear. Our minds begin to behave more normally as the dark clouds part, quieting down the emotional chatter that was distracting our thought processes.

There’s a good chance we create a game plan for our lives and try to find our inspiration once more. However, we may still be low in energy and confidence. Making it hard for us to get past the planning stage. We find comfort in creating plans, and we are in need of comfort.

When we become a bit healthier, we can return to our cool cucumber selves and re-evaluate all we have been through with an objective lens. This time though it will be easier. It is an important time, where we learn a lot about our shortcoming, our boundaries, forgiveness, and what we want out of life.

8. Growth & Improvement

It’s time for us to create our strategy. We are calmer now, even though to others we may have appeared cool calm and collected the whole time. But this time we are calmer on the inside. After our process of grief, letting go, and analysis. We do what we do best, seek growth and improvement.

After our objective analysis, we typically can clearly see our own faults and weakness of both ourselves and others. At this point, we learn to accept and create a growth strategy. This is a healthy and inspiring step. This is my self-help exercise that motivates me.

This is where you take your power back, decide who you want to be, and what you want. This step is quite invigorating as you realize life is short and anything is possible. So, pick your head up and do what you do best. Grow!  You can grab my printable inspiring activity worksheet in the subscription box below.

A little more

How INTJ deal with break up, will obviously not be true for all, but this has been somewhat of a pattern I’ve identified with myself when studying behaviors of INTJS.

An INTJ recovering from heartbreak doesn’t really have a timeline, there’s too many factors: your emotional wellbeing to start with, the depth of the relationship, how the relationship ended, etc. These phases are not clear-cut either, and you may slip back and forth between them.

A bit of advice

INTJs aren’t good at seeking help. It’s been said, we think we are our own best counselors. We have confidence in our objective problem-solving abilities and no one knows us better than us, so it seems only logical to be our own counselor.

However believe me, as soon as you crest over that limiting belief, seeking outside help can do a world of good when you are ready. Being lonely is not good for anyone’s health, let others in.

More like this


INTJs love very deep and specifically. We don’t typically need many people in our lives just one or a few that makes us feel understood and connected to this world.

So INTJ heartbreak can be quite dramatic because we are very committed individuals that typically never make such an important decision lightheartedly.

We spent a lot of time researching the relationship before we entered it. So, when it ends it can be absolutely devastating because of all the faith we had poured in.

We are idealistic and once we let our guard down, we are easily swept away. This can create a very heart and soul-crushing experience when it ends.

We are strong-minded individuals, and we try to lean on this entirely because we don’t know how to manage the pain in our heart.

Eventually, we will need to step back, breathe, socialize, let the emotion flow through us without trying to bury it in so much logic. After the emotional waves have calmed we will do our thing, analyze then strategize.

Hopefully with a healthier perspective and focus on personal growth. Stay strong and beautiful, and believe the best is yet to come.  What are your thoughts on the INTJ broken heart?

Make your heart the most beautiful thing about you – anonymous

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2 years ago

Great article, I have done each and every one of those steps!
Particularly the recluse stage, right after being laid off (and shortly prior, cheated on), I didn’t see or talk to anyone for about 4 months. Just stayed busy on my projects.

Cindy Morris
2 years ago

This is so me! It actually address the way I handle any major distressing life event.

2 years ago

Devastating, painful, terrifying, stressful, guilt felt, helpless emotional turmoil at nights.. like many many nights.. some times ..years… But.. in the morning, buckled up.. fresh as new, bring analytical face, focusing in work.. finding passion in thoughts.. Yes, as expressed above, mutiple phases of coping mechanisms, reasoning, judging again and again, finding our own faults and trying to improve ourselves, learn the lessons and moving forward. Eventually becoming the most awsome persons we are meant to be.

2 years ago

8 months ago I had a psychotic episode and a breakup. The psychotic episode was traumatic and also I was with my girlfriend for 6 years and we spent all that time very close, best friends. For the last 8 months I feel like I’ve lost myself. All my interests are gone, I feel bored, empty, depressed, anxious. I wake up having no idea what I want anymore. I just feel detached. Like I don’t care about things anymore…and my normal personality is to be compassionate and helpful. I’m starting to wonder if the reason that I am shut down… Read more »

2 years ago

I personally just have found out my personality type, and I cannot stop reading and researching about well me. I feel so good to have like minded people to read about. I never had a sense of belonging (didn’t want to either) but now it’s nice to read something from someone who does things exactly or very close to how I do. Great article! That is exactly what I do. I don’t want you to have a broken heart but it sounds like you have fixed it in true INTJ nature.

2 years ago

Exactly what I did after the love of my life found someone else. And, as someone else said, it’s how I deal with any difficult times. Thanks!

2 years ago

Thanks for sharing. I am researching to get a grip on my run-away emotions right now. I was trying to convince myself that the abuse wasn’t happening and it was all in my head. It was never bad enough to turn blue-black. But the verbal and emotional abuse continued for a good 18yrs of being together. Now I am done after the final straw. I have been crying like crazy in my room, been holed up and not talking with him. Either skipping meals or overindulging in food, oversleeping, over working, over working-out! I have sat half way preparing presentation… Read more »

2 years ago

I love this. I could never explain why I am the way I am when I go through a rough time, but this makes sense. And it is literally me in every way. Thank you for this lovely post. I would love to share it on my Instagram so people get a true feel of who I am…because no way in hell would I explain all this.
Thanks again!

2 years ago


2 years ago

You are right on target. I could have written the same of myself. I went through such an experience and it took me a year to come to terms. It’s just the way I’m made. I’ve noticed I’m this way regarding little things and big things. The bigger the hurt, the longer the dissociation and reclusiveness. But it’s the only way to allow me to move forward. It can be a long process, but it’s a time of healing and learning. Thanks for your article.

2 years ago

currently in the recluse stage…totally isolating and spending hours in my head. really don’t want to be with people and explain. best guy I’ve had and I was really committed. inability to face, feel, and manage emotions leads me to panic attacks so trying hard to just be sad.

2 years ago

All of it is true.. just thought I was the only one who went through all of those .. doesn’t have to be a break up though ( been through one that did trigger this fall out for sure)…. just being around too many ppl or ppl who put too much of their negative energy off on me can do this…. This was a great article. Thank you for putting it out there.

2 years ago

owning this process and letting the emotions go thru gets me over it much faster. As an INTJ, I always just want to move on, but still enjoy loving deeply.

1 year ago

Like some here, I’ve only just become aware of my INTJ status. We’ve all felt the differences, but they were never articulated together for me. I’ve felt like an anomaly around nearly everyone my entire life. It’s unbelievably affirming just to know others are out there experiencing the world in a similar fashion. I lost a decade long love two years ago. As another with highly internalized emotions, I love rarely and selectively. I can say the ending of the relationship is the one thing in life I hadn’t planned for and was the least equipped to deal with. I… Read more »

Ricardo Díaz Rodríguez
1 year ago

Thanks for your words. I´m INTJ and love your text. Is very complete. Regards from Colombia.

1 year ago

Although the numbers in this article are true because I’ve done them, the stating of INTJ shadow being ESFP is not true. INTJ shadow is ENFP.


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