Life as an INTJ Mom

INTJ Single Mom

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I am no expert on the subject of the Meyer’s and Briggs personality profiling. Meyer’s and Briggs has 16 personality classifications.

I find it super interesting and fun, but go figure it’s predicted my personality type would. I’m the annoying person that has made everyone I know take it. I like to see if I guessed their personality type correctly.

I guessed my best friend, my mom, and I was off by one letter with my ex. It’s a good tool, providing a bit of self-discovery that may help you identify your strengths, weaknesses, and improve communication with others. The memes on Pinterest are a crack up too (warning: I’m also a dork, though). This is my experience as an INTJ mom.

If you don’t know your MTBI personality: take this test!

As I said I am no expert, these are generalizations that have rung true to me as an INTJ mom. Things I have identified in myself as an INTJ for better or worse.

I need to THINK!

INTJ’s spend a lot of time in their mind, lost in thought. Our thought process is complex always turning asking questions, solving problems, and improving most everything we encounter. We are bad at not being completely within the moment because our mind is typically running with 20 tabs open. This also causes us guilt. When we know we should be in the moment but have trouble pulling ourselves away from our thoughts.

This needed thinking time can be hard on an INTJ mom. Kids are loud and needy. Making it very hard to recluse into our much needed head time to solve the world’s problems. This can make us feel frustrated, which also causes us guilt. As it’s important to be our best self in all areas of our life.

We know feeling frustrated because a child is interrupting us is not a rational feeling. We know children need a lot of attention and are loud and playful.

We do enjoy this, but we do better if we can balance out our time. I like to rise early at least 2 hours before my daughter, and I am horrible at staying up way too late so that I have plenty of time for myself to think.

Inventing

INTJs are notoriously good at figuring out how to make things function better, this is second nature to us. As a mom, and all the baby products we have seen or used, we probably invent or improve upon a baby product monthly, if not weekly.

Our minds even run through the necessary steps needed to make manufacturing and selling happen. We then file this idea away with all the others to be returned to after we complete the hundred other projects before it.

Self Punishment

INTJs level of focus can be brutal. I’m horrible for telling myself after I complete this last little thing I will let myself pee, oops 3 hours later still focused, still haven’t peed.

Moms in general already take care of others before their self, and INTJs bring it up a whole another level. INTJs are already bad about taking care of their physical and emotional needs anyways, so add mom duties on top of it and we are gluttons for self-punishment.

Unrealistic

INTJs experience a lot of guilt. We are extremely loyal and dedicated. We show love by figuring out how to improve the lives of the ones we love. If a loved one shares with us their passion, or we see something they’re good at, we encourage and figure out how to make it happen for them.

We believe in constant growth, and don’t buy into impossibility. When others believe in something being impossible, it frustrates us and we greatly enjoy proving otherwise.

Anyhow, we believe in growth, all things can be improved upon, including ourselves. The problem is we can take on too much, and put ridiculous expectations on ourselves.

If we feel like we are not living up to our full potential in every area we beat ourselves up about it, and we generally never feel like we are living up to our full potential. Why, because we are a constant work in progress. We push ourselves very hard and put ridiculous expectations upon ourselves.

Calm Yourself

INTJs can be annoyed and frustrated easily, but rarely become truly angry. As an INTJ mom, we logically know children are still learning to master emotion. However, when they do have an emotional outburst, we have a hard time relating on an emotional level. We look at the like them like, why? Calm yourself.

Small Talk Sucks

INTJs suck at small talk. This can make it difficult or be tiring to try and socialize with other mommies. Social interactions with other moms can feel forced and awkward.

If the other moms don’t share a similar interest or have a complex topic to try and work through, then it’s likely we just want to go home. However, if we do relate, this happens infrequently so we feel a rush of excitement.

Different

INTJs are accustomed to being different and we are ok with it. We are quiet and excellent at blending in to avoid the awkward small talk. However, we march to the beat of our own drum, which can draw unwanted attention.

The choices we make don’t come lightly. We could care less about popular opinion if it doesn’t pass our internal rigorous testing.

We evaluate based on research, data, experience, then try to tear apart the idea to find its weaknesses and assess our gut feeling. We have no issue with being different. We trust decisions based on logic, not popularity.

Never stop learning

INTJs greatly believe in learning. An INTJ mom may seem more lax as a mother than other personality types. She may give her child more freedoms.

She will let her child play in mud, poke at bugs, and climb. She will let her kids fall down (all within reason, of course) because experience is the best teacher of all.

The INTJ mom takes a lot of pride in seeing the young mind of a child exploring a world that is so brand new to them. We have a buzz of excitement when our kids are curious, ask questions, and study detail.

These are characteristics that are strong and relatable to an INTJ. These are things an INTJ constantly does. So, we encourage it in others and take a lot of pleasure when we see our children’s imagination light up, their curiosity peaked, and the gears in their mind turning

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What’s the Point?

I read this on another blog. I wish I could give credit, but I can’t find it now. Anyhow, the INTJ mom will bathe her child less often than the on top of routine an order ISTJ mom. The INTJ mom doesn’t see the point, they are just going to get dirty again.

This also makes her feel bad that she may not be as good of a mother as she should be. This has been true for me.  I was raised by an ISTJ mom. She is great at keeping order, and my daughter has gone to bed dirty many of times.

These are some of my observations within myself after learning about the personality quirks of the INTJ. The lonely awkward female, with plans to take over the world (mawahaa!!). The common stereotype for us rare INTJ women.

What is your experience as an INTJ mom? What is your personality type, and how does it affect you as a mom? If you don’t know your personality type you can find out at 16personalities.com.

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Melissa
3 years ago

INTJ mom here — spot on.

Deanna
2 years ago

This blog post just popped up on my Pinterest feed and I truly enjoyed reading it. I found so much of what you said to be true for me (I’m also INTJ). I am still learning about what motherhood looks like for me and how it is different from other moms I know, even other introverted moms. This helps me to draw boundaries where I need them, especially with my kids, and get rid of the guilt. I have struggled with postpartum depression after my last pregnancy and understanding myself better has helped me overcome that. It’s nice to read… Read more »

Sarah
2 years ago
Reply to  Deanna

Yes! I feel like I could have written this same comment, every word.

Rebekah
2 years ago

INTJ mom here as well and I relate a lot to the guilt. The guilt of needing your space and time when the world around you tells you that you shouldn’t need it or that it’s a luxury. I took things a step further and tried to find a “manual” for raising a child so I could do it my INTJ perfect way. In the end we need to remember we do what is perfect for our child and our family and let go of the rest.

Karen
2 years ago

INTJ mom/step mom here as well. I enjoyed this and relate to almost all of it.

The differences in me and bio-mom in how we “mother” are striking and have led to many issues as the kids were raised. I drive my husband nuts with “why?” (Why do the kids act this way, why does she do that, etc – me trying to understand [in my own way] not judge – although that also happens plenty!).

Good to know there’s others out there like me!

2 years ago

This is great, thanks for sharing! It’s encouraging to hear from others who walk the same path.
As a fellow INTJ mom, I turned to homeschooling because I “know” that no one can teach my kids better than me. I know I’ll make mistakes, but I have complete confidence in my knowledge of who my kids are and what they need, that I can’t imagine anyone else doing it right. Heheh.

INTJMom18
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah

INTJ mom to be. 8 more weeks. My partner is an ISTJ. This post sounds like it will be pretty accurate. My father was an INFJ and mother an ENFP and my younger brother is an INTP. The only part I don’t have a plan for is social experience. I have 1 friend an ISTP with strong N tendencies and she lives 8 hours away – other than that I have no close connections with anyone and I don’t value anyone intellectually enough to connect with them. I loathe interacting with almost everyone.

Luvena
2 years ago

Every point is bang on. As an INTJ mom in a smallish town it’s nice to read that someone is so similar to me. Nobody else around here is even close. Thank you!

Megan
2 years ago

That was a little scary how true all of that was.

Kim
2 years ago

Oh my goodness!!! Of course I devoured your information about our personality type. But when i got to the part about us not bathing our kids as often, I had to read it again!!! That is totally me but had no idea it had anything to do with my personality. That is too funny!

Lat
1 year ago
Reply to  Amber

This is funny to me as I do bathe my child less, but also have researched reasons for doing so. Too much washing is unnecessary, bad for the skin and wastes water. I force washing more often when my child is exposed to indoor (people) germs, less so when exposed to dirt and nature (beneficial). I had never thought this was an INTJ thing, but of course it is! There is a why for everything for me, and I struggle with relating to parents who do things that don’t seem to make sense. Parenting as an INTJ has a bit… Read more »

2 years ago

I’m an INTJ mom. Daughter of an ISTJ mom and INTJ dad. Could relate to EVERYTHING in this post.

Liz
2 years ago

This is so, so, SO accurate.
I’m an INTJ mom surrounded by extroverts and feelers! I found that it’s helpful to Meyers Briggs your children to be better able to relate to them. Then I can see what their needs are and be able to compromise my own needs to reach theirs.

2 years ago
Reply to  Amber

This is sweet, I’m an INFJ. I get most of your points. We are sister types. We share two functions. I know a lot about Myers Briggs. I’m a personality profiler. I can profile you or verify for you ladies. I’m in South Africa and my profiling fees are going up next year. And the rand/dollar exchange is a steal in favour of the dollar at the moment. Let me know if you’ll like to be profiled over video chat. You can check my Facebook page, @lulecommunications.

CJ Areen
2 years ago

That is definitely descriptive of my Mom style. Have you considered the effects of wanting to improve or foster the curiosity and talents of our kids? Giving them the opportunity and means to relish in their interests but also the freedom to find their own way once given the tools to explore!

Stacey
2 years ago

I have always been so hard on myself, when it comes to my children. To be honest, probably with everything I have done or do. I didn’t find out about these test, until recently, and now I realize I’m not an alien. Thank you!

Penny
2 years ago

Thanks for this article, it really is very accurate! I learned (ok – someone told me) a long time ago (my kids are 13 & 14) that there is no such thing as the “perfect” mom. I am good enough – for my kids. It doesn’t stop me from trying REALLY hard to be the perfect mom (but I do it quietly and don’t tell anyone about how guilty I feel when I miss the mark) I also have an amazing ENTJ fiancé who tells me that I am a wonderful person, blah, blah, blah – which helps, but not… Read more »

Kat
2 years ago

I love this – especially the “never stop learning” part. I am very lax and let my kids explore and experiment to their heart’s content. I kind of assumed an INTJ mom would be more controlling but this makes so much sense! On the other hand, if they aren’t inclined to do something or do it well, I will just do it myself. Then along comes the guilt. I feel as if I should push them harder to clean their rooms, learn to cook, or whatever depending on the kid but I lack the patience to nag them or teach… Read more »

Anne
2 years ago

I’ve been an INTJ mom for 16 years now. A great deal of what you said brought back so many memories. What I have found in my experiences is that when my daughter (an INFP) went through that phase where she asked “Why?” every moment of every day, I found myself taking serious time to think it through. I gave her very honest, age appropriate answers to her for every instance. I always hated it when my own mother replied with, “Because I said so.” I was determined not to do that to my girl. Now there were MANY times… Read more »

Tracy
2 years ago

This is so like me. Seeing my children chase knowledge and their develop their interests makes me so happy. I think the non helicopter attitude of INTJ moms helps their children grow into self sufficient adults. The guilt is real. I do need time tuned out and in my head. Without that I’m exhausted.

Kisha
2 years ago

Omg, I love this, I’m an INTJ mom and I always feel like a weirdo, so glad that I’m not alone I do almost all of the things you mentioned, love it!

2 years ago

Yes! I’m an INTJ mom, and your post is right on track. I especially relate to the guilt tendencies, as well as the driving need to learn, have quiet time to think, and the joy in watching my kids grow emotionally and intellectually.

Thanks for taking the time to write this!

Amy
2 years ago

INTJ divorced mom and I’d say spot on! .. add to it the annoyance of crinkling sounds or noise n lights.. too much over stimulation lol.. quiet and music! Really nice to see other INTJ women out there! The parts about letting them play in the mud or get messy or figure stuff out and watchin their minds whirl .. whoo hoo. we have a no nonsense home though, no bs, drama, speak your mind and really think about things. I also looked at homeschooling and did so on many levels, however, I did put him in public school, mainly… Read more »

Leah
2 years ago

INTJ Mom here! I enjoyed reading this article, despite my children interrupting me every 2 minutes..lol I had to laugh to myself on the bathing part; I can totally relate. I love my children like crazy and often feel guilty about not being that “roll in the dirt with your kids” kind of mom. I do love that I am top notch when it comes to their safety (of course I spent a great deal of time researching the best carseat..lol) and their emotional, academic, social, and spiritual wellness. I do spend a lot of time with my children and… Read more »

Jessi
1 year ago

I feel miserable most days as an INTJ mom. Having no real mental breaks and kids that purposely play dumb to get a rise out of me makes me seem like I’m the meanest/ cold hearted witch out there.

Glad it’s not just me though

Presley
1 year ago

Do you ever feel guilt for only half listening to your child’s small talk? I catch myself zoning out! But when it comes to other things ( like my kids learning to love Dr. who) we have such in depth conversations my husband gets jealous. I just find it very hard to have the daily blah conversations about what happened by the purple slide at school today…

Rebekah
11 months ago

Thank you for letting me see I am not alone.

Natalie
11 months ago

Your insight about being not so attentive to one’s own personal needs is spot-on! It takes a huge amount of effort to remember to drink my vitamins, check myself in the mirror and generally not cramming my to-do list and exhausting myself. Thankfully, I am now learning little by little to not overwork.

Jesse
11 months ago

Thank you for your honesty! I am an ENFJ husband with an INTJ wife and I am constantly interested in hearing from other INTJ women so that I can better understand the mind of my dear wife. Thank you again!

Jessie
4 months ago

I loved this post! With five kids, my days are so full right now. Most days I envision working on some type of intellectual activity in the evening after the babies are in bed (twins), but by the time I get to that hour I have dinner clean-up, homework consulting for the big kids, and prep work for the next day. All I have left intellectually is fumes most nights. As a stay-at-home mom, I feel incredibly isolated. Part of the isolation is due to the weight of demands in this season of life, and part of it is my… Read more »

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